In ‘intimate’ relationships, we date/court people (I call the evaluation stage), and maybe, decide to marry. Courtship/dating (some people use it interchangeably) is some kind of ‘test the mic’ situations people go through together as they prepare for marriage and it is very important (in our present day and age) in building a strong bond. One cannot be extremely alert in life because we cannot walk on egg shells all the time. We sometimes let our guards down in relationships because we can’t co-exist if we don’t place a level of trust/acceptance in our relationships.

Lately, during courtship period, we wear the love-tinted glasses to pursue whatever we seek in a spouse. Some people place emphasis on the length of relationship as the main factor when they want to settle down and others use ‘love’ as their yardstick during the ‘testing’ period.

The reason for courtship is to get to know the person, not the body. The courting period is the time to talk and know if you’re comfortable with what you can live with/without and what you cannot ‘accommodate’.  Your individual beliefs, thoughts, feelings, needs and expectations (but not mountain high expectations) should be put into consideration. Sometimes it is not the level of compatibility that holds the marriage together; it is the ability of couples to manage their inevitable differences.

Once you put sex at the top of your agenda, you stop talking and focus on temporary pleasures. Mind-blowing sex can easily lead to mind-blowing marital problems later because your senses got clouded and you glossed over issues when you should have been alert and diligent. At the demise of the mind-blowing sex, what is left? The more a person’s sexual urge is satisfied outside marriage, the less likely and less the urgency to get married. A lot of guys are marrying late and this is one of the reasons…their cup is ‘overflowing’ with sex.

When you marry, you marry wholesale not retail, that is, you marry the person with his/her strengths and weaknesses, successes and failings; the good the bad and the ugly; his/her past, present and future…I mean the whole baggage, you cannot love one and ignore the other. One question you must answer is whether you are ready to put up with the person’s failings, shortcomings and weaknesses for the rest of your life.

Sometimes we meet people in life who add value to our lives (I call them assets) and others … (un)limited liability. The former (assets) are usually gems you dig deep (really know them beyond their faces) before you see their worth and the latter (the liabilities) they shine so loud and bright that when you get neck-deep into them, there is nothing to write home about them. It seems now we don’t have the time and patience to mine deep and see the jewel in people but quickly write them off and settle for the glittering ones.

Provision for one’s family whilst you have your family to worry about is a subtle liability. Don’t get it twisted, once in a while, we all need assistance in one way or the other but if it becomes an everyday affair and especially if the other person is also gainfully employed but expecting you to provide…is that not making you a money-machine? People are sometimes ‘in love’ because of the benefits they’re getting. Shorten your hand and see if the love will still be intact.

Some people either out of desperation or stubbornness go ahead even when the red flag is all over. They tell you that they will change their prospective spouse once they get married. This is a fallacy. In marriage expect change from only yourself. You do not have control over your spouse’s mind, and it is wrong to shift the goal post after the match had started.

Above all friendship is one which will hold the marriage in both good times and bad times. There should be no room for blind love during courtship, blind love belongs to the realm of marriage only and it is for its survival and peace of mind. At the end of it all, love alone is not enough to see you through a life long journey…..It takes a lot more than love (but not the absence of it though).

So if, for instance, you love your partner so much but he/she is violent/disrespectful/no integrity/dishonest/got a diarrhoea mouth, flee. If you (foolishly) go ahead and get married to him/her you have negotiated a very bad and poor deal…Don’t bank on ‘Hope’.