THE CANDID TRUTH: How To Live Like An African Celebrity

Being a celebrity in Africa sucks and this is because most people do not whole-heartedly give a hook about you. After all, you do not pay their kids school fees and you do not buy them food—pure African mentality and I love that.

Despite this, many African celebrities delude themselves to think they are exceptionally special, when in fact no one really cares.

There are the minority of people who somehow love to celebrate those they see worthy. Even with these people, they will hardly hand out their hard earned cash to support a celebrity by buying his/her music, movie or product. I hope you do not blame these people—when the rent is in arrears, who wants to spend money on substandard entertainment or pay to read an interview they’ve come across several times in the past?

If you love the celebrity lifestyle, here are my tips to help you live like an African Celebrity.

1. Learn To Lie A Lot

If you believe in thou shall not lie, there is no way you can live like an African celebrity. To lead the African celebrity lifestyle, you must learn to lie—and I do not mean ‘small’ lies such as; I am not feeling well when you are fully fit.

I am talking about wearing a $9 dress and looking straight into a camera to say, you flew to Paris to buy that dress for $2000 when you do not even have a Schengen visa to take you out there.

2.  Live In A Muddy Clay Area

Forget your dream to become an African celebrity if you cannot apply thick clay on your face—sometimes known as make-up.

You must be willing to look like a clown and throw away your mirror. And those friends who will tell you the truth about yourself must also be thrown out of the window. You will have to surround yourself with those who will say the thick clay on your face is gorgeous and you look like a Queen.

You will need this thick clay on your face all times so the best way forward is to relocate to a muddy clay area where you can easily get access.

3. Be Ready To Tone Your Skin, Bleaching Is Old School

To live like an African celebrity, you must be ready to defend skin toning and falsely swear that you do not bleach your skin in the face of contrary evidence.

If it becomes too tough for you to defend your change in complexion, simply say you are toning your skin or your great grandfather is from Brazil or Albania.

4. Be Ready To Ditch Your Own Accent

Being fake is synonymous to being a celebrity but African celebrities take this to a different level.

In order to live the self manufactured high-life as an African celebrity, you must begin to speak like a Chinese born in Belgium, married to a French national and currently living in Nepal where she is learning how to speak English.

You must be ready to ditch your naturally acquired accent over night and struggle to put your grammar and new accent together. When any enemy of progress questions your accent, just tell him you acquired that when you visited the United States for 2 weeks or plainly say, that is your natural accent—is it his business?

5.   You Must Strive To Afford ONLY High Designer Brands Even If You Cannot Afford Them

Look, a celebrity must be prepared to spend some real cash and if you do not have much to spend,  as most African Celebrities do, find someone to spend his or her cash on you.

Even though Beyonce may never have bought many of the expensive brands she wear and carry (as most would come to her to rock them for free so to showcase their brand), you must be ready to compete with her.

Yes, you heard me right, you must compete with Beyonce and the likes of Kanye West. If Beyonce is seen holding an LV or Gucci bag, you must get one too. However you get it that is your own problem.  You can give some money to those you know to get you some fakies from Kantamanto in Ghana, China or Dubai.

And better carry or wear your designer brands everywhere—including when you going to sleep.

6.  Learn To Make Yourself Seem Very Busy & Important

As I stated in my opening paragraph, no one will give a wind about you if you succeed in becoming an African celebrity and this is because, people have more serious headache like where to conjure the next cash to pay the bills from.

Nevertheless, you have to make yourself seem busy and very important. You have to delude yourself into thinking, everyone one the street will want an autograph when you step out when in fact, no one will even notice you except your colleagues fakies!

You must be ready to appear on TV and Radio interviews even though you are not paid to do so and you have to secretly beg for the air time. Whiles on TV, talk BIG and wow viewers with many designer wears.

Even if you have had some local porridge and dry bread, tell the interviewer you have some organic oats imported from Isle of Man together with some freshly baked French croissants —Yes FRESHLY baked!

If you are asked what project you have in the pipe line, go for the usual; I have set up a foundation/charity to help the poor and the needy—when in fact you will be helping yourself and probably your family with it (I nearly forgot that is allowed since you may all fall within the poor and the needy group).

And immediately after the TV/Radio interview, give your phone to someone to take some photos of you and share them on instagram, facebook and twitter. Be ready to self-promote!

So you see, being an African celebrity is not EASY. This is why you have to wholly respect those who are balling—living this life.

If you’ve noticed anything needed to be added to my list to make the lifestyle a complete success, feel free to add it. 🙂