One thing I have learnt is you can never change anybody, NEVER! A person will only change if they want to or are willing. The mistake some of us make is having the belief that we can change somebody to suit our needs or for a person to change his/her ways. Some people notice habits/traits/behaviour in their partners during the time of courting and they overlook it with the intention of changing the person. It doesn’t happen that way. A person may promise to change; maybe because he/she is fed up being in the singles club, and most of the time, we believe them. You can help somebody who is willing to change but you cannot change a person.

Some people pretend during the early days of relationship. If it’s church, they’ll go, anything you require of them, they’ll do, but they show their true side when they get what they finally want. The sad aspect of this is that, some of the bad traits would have been noticed but ignored. This issue of ‘I thought I can change him/her’ is one of the many reasons partners separate.

If you start dating a guy who shows tendencies of being a violent or abusive, what is the probability that when you marry, he’s not going to raise his fist? It is better to leave than hope that when the deal is closed (marriage), you are going to change the person from an abusive/violent boyfriend to a gentle husband. A man who grows up with the mentality that beating women blue black is the way to settle matters be it domestic or otherwise, what is the probability that you can change him to stop boxing you and others? Thank God, you’ve realised he is abusive/violent. Now look for the exit!

During courting, decide what you can live with and what you cannot. If it is something you can live with, cleanliness, bad etiquette etc., you can close your eyes and teach your partner by leading by example, by and by he/she may learn. But if it is something which you cannot live with e.g. abuse (physical, emotional or sexual), cheating, theft (arm robber), PLEASE don’t even give it a second thought of pushing your head in there with the excuse of ‘I’ll change him/her’, don’t even tolerate that idea, leave them for someone who can carry that burden.

Surely prayers work, but when and for how long are you going to fast and pray for an abusive partner, the thief or the cheat to change his/her ways? It is better to go in for what you like/prefer from the initial stages and set your priorities right.  Don’t close your eye and rush in believing that as a prayer warrior, YOU can change a person. We are who we are because of how we were raised and our experiences in life, so if you’re going to change somebody, it means altering the person’s age, let’s say 25 years of behaviour, personality and genetics to become the person we want them to be.

Habits die hard they say!